A friend has sort of inspired me to do this blog, it’s a bit reflective just like hers is. I’m really not trying to disclose here, just share something of my past with everyone, I just like to give a bit of myself now and again. If anything its good to look at the past like my friend did in her blog and see how I’ve/we’ve moved on and learned.
Well my little slice of self history goes back about four or so years ago when I was in the middle of a rapidly declining two year relationship. After being made redundant from my job at the brewery I decided to go to college and get some formal IT skills in certificate form, after all breweries aren’t ten a penny in towns. Being a student at 30-something was a lot of fun, it brought out the inner child within me and got the creative juices flowing, within no time I was doing a spoof college newspaper, getting into lots of trouble and loving it. It’s all well and good being mature and sensible but if there’s one thing my psychotherapy background has taught me it’s that the inner child is always present, I’ve never shunned my inner child, its part of who I am.
Anyway, whilst in college library one day in walked the most cute little thing, flowing brown hair, curvy, a mona lisa type of face and lips that offered a thousand kisses – from that moment I was smitten. I tried not to stare but soon she was having problems with her pc so I did the gallant thing and helped out. Her voice was gentle, her manner shy and coy just talking to her my legs were shaking. She explained she was just there to take a test to see if she could get on a course at the college. I had to drag myself away from her, she was intoxicating, she took the test and left, my heart sank - would I see her again? I recall the vision as she left, she had a creamy woollen top on, a long formal skirt and a lovely round face, her shoulders were framed by a mass of thick chestnut brown tangled hair clasped into a loose ponytail. Some would say she looked frumpy, to me she was an angel.
Several weeks passed and then one morning when I sauntered into the college reception and she was there, my heart nearly leapt through my chest when she smiled at me in recognition, from that moment the chase was on. Needless to say the past moment in the library when I’d helped her had paid dividends. Soon we were sharing laughter in the canteen at lunchtime, going for walks in the nearby woods after, tentatively clutching hands - I was drowning in a sea of love. It was school boy stuff, only here I was in my thirties, the last thing on my mind was sex, I was just awestruck.
Then the darkness came, people see other people happy and want to change it, they want tears and misery because they don’t have the same, envy turns to jealousy and then the lies begin. Several unsavoury characters and certain people I’d pissed off with my spoof college newspaper began to exact revenge. It was easy for them really; Deb was a family girl, very naïve to say she was in her late twenties so she quickly fell victim to the untruths and deceit. She seemed to be spending a lot of time with a tutor who’d fixed her pc, he seemed pretty harmless and not being the jealous type I didn’t think much of it.
Soon after it was nearing time to leave college and Deb’s course was ending too, she took me for a final walk in the sunny filterd woods after lunch and ended what we had. She walked back and I remained staring at the trees, tears cascading down my face, so hot I thought they’d burn rivulets in my cheeks.
We both left college, the last week being agony as we hardly spoke but then to my joy I started receiving emails from her and things suddenly looked up. On leaving college I’d got a crappy job in Nottingham proof reading for a publisher, the job sucked and my retina’s felt burnt out at the end of each day, Deb was on my mind 24/7 and at work I used to craft emails to her in my head then send them later, even though my eyes stung. A few weeks after we met again, kissed softly and hugged, nothing more happened, I didn’t want it to, she was like a vase of purity that I didn’t want to break. We began to spend more time together, mainly Saturday’s, each encounter at my place led to us immersing ourselves in each other. We’d not made love yet but we’d come close.
Soon after I got my present job, the wage was good and it was close to where I lived, I would type Deb long emails whilst at work, it was a nice time. Then one weekend she told me she wanted to stay the whole weekend, spend more time with me, I was floating with excitement. When she arrived she seemed fine, and then as I leaned in to kiss her she pushed me aside before going to the toilet and locking herself in, sobbing uncontrollably. Despite my pleas she stayed put so I waited at the top of the stairs, musing what I’d done wrong. She came out and sat beside me, tried to force a smile and then clutched my trembling hand. She told me she had something to tell me, something terrible and that after I would not want to know her at all. Ashen faced I nodded and then she began.
It turned out that she’d being seeing the tutor who had fixed her pc, they’d been on several innocent dates and she saw him as someone that would help her build her confidence but on her last date with him things had gone wrong. They been out for a meal and then gone back to his, he’d put a video on and then plied her with cider. Later when she wanted to go home he made the excuse he couldn’t drive and she could sleep in the spare room but on helping her upstairs he sprang his trap and began to forcibly kiss her. He then guided her into the bedroom and had his way, she recalled she just froze at the time, it was over quickly and he fell asleep, she huddled and cried until the morning. When morning came he took her home, they sat in silence in the car like nothing had ever happened, flatly she told him she would not see him anymore, he drove away.
As the story ended every ounce of life had left me, I lay on my stomach and began to cry, hiding my head in my arms but my tears soon turned to rage, I was thumping the landing so hard my knuckles bled, on that landing, on that night my world collapsed. I’m not used to anger and when you aren’t it consumes you totally, rationality leaves you, it’s like an out of body experience. Eventually I calmed down, she was crying too, then she led me to the bedroom and the unexpected happened as she said ‘ make love to me Jay’. Amazed I turned to her and said ‘why?’ she replied ‘because I want to know what real love feels like – real love Jay.
A night of uncontrollable love making followed, as we entwined with each other and became tangled in the sheets, we paused only to cry or drink water, it was passion like I’ve never felt or known, it was sweeter than the sounds of summer.
Our real relationship began then and those first months were magical, weekends filled with laughter and lovemaking, it was as good as it gets – I was such a happy hobbit.
But read on my friends the tale does not end there.
When you love someone utterly you tend to be oblivious, you give all of yourself and nothing else matters, love after all should be unconditional.
That’s when things started to go wrong, I gave to much, became complacent and that’s when Deb began to take advantage. I recall seeing an offer on two mobile phones, back when they weren’t cheap, so I decided to buy two matching ones. On showing them Deb she wasn’t impressed, they just weren’t good or expensive enough. Then later at Christmas I spent over £400 on presents for her, Christmas morning came and she opened them ‘it’s not much is it?’ she said without emotion opening her sixth present. Soon after it was her birthday and I decided to do something impressive, a new restaurant had opened in town so I rang and booked a table. The night of her birthday came and we walked into the new restaurant, Deb was on my arm and I felt on cloud nine.
‘I booked a table for two back on Wednesday’ I said to the maitre-de
He again asked for my name and added it wasn’t there, I laughed and said there must be some mistake, he looked again and confirmed that my name wasn’t present. I turned open mouthed to Deb but she was already storming out the door. Hastening after her she began wailing theatrically and stomping her feet – how could I do this to her on her birthday!?
In an attempt to calm her down I suggested another new place across town that was supposed to be good, I calmed her down and coaxed her there but to my horror they were fully booked. Getting outside her screams filled the busy street, was this my Deb? The she announced it was over, she was calling her dad to pick her up. I recall everyone was looking at our scene, grinning at the misery on my face. As she stormed to a phone box I noticed a nearby Indian restaurant that I used to frequent and in a last ditch effort I managed to persuade her to go there. She did so but reluctantly, she still told me it was over and that after the meal she would leave. Composing myself I recognised one of the Indian waiters, slipping him a crisp tenner I told him to lay it on thick with the service and bring the champagne on in the silverware ice trolley, he did so and did me proud. Before long she was playing footsie with me under the table and laughing. I was left feeling stunned yet sympathetic to her outrage; I put it down to just drawing bad cards on the night but her sudden mood swings were beginning to puzzle me.
After that, things didn’t get any easier, Deb became more confident, made more decisions and I became more passive but still eager to please. I knew I was fast reaching a point where I couldn’t meet her demands, whatever I did just wasn’t good enough. I had a heart to heart with a confidante at work and she said to me ‘Jay, it sounds like this relationship is making you more sadder then happy’ – she was right but I still didn’t want to end it.
As time passed and Deb and I reflected on the past I began to notice several holes in her story about her night with the tutor, so in a drunken rage I rang him and demanded answers, he seemed surprised by my accusations and vehemently denied them; adding Deb was more than willing.
My whole life was descending into apathy, nothing I did was ever right and I felt worthless, my self esteem hit rock bottom and I couldn’t handle Deb’s mood swings.
Some time later Deb had shall we say a ‘female’ problem with her downstairs and that ruled sex out, we spent less time together, I tried to visit and support her through her ordeal but I was shunned, she thought she had something seriously wrong with her and feared the worst. Time passed, we chatted on the phone almost daily but we knew it was over, instead of visiting she’d make excuses, she said she was having a time out and staying at a hotel retreat but several weeks earlier I’d found a text from a fella on her mobile. Yes as you probably guessed, the end came, she dumped me over the phone and I never saw or heard from her again, she lived several miles away so at least I wouldn’t have the pain of bumping into her again, with or without a new fella.
So, the end brings us to my friends blog, where she looked back and reflected, saw she was being used and wanted to share her painful past with us, her disclosure has to be admired and respected – how brave she really is.
Well my little slice of self history goes back about four or so years ago when I was in the middle of a rapidly declining two year relationship. After being made redundant from my job at the brewery I decided to go to college and get some formal IT skills in certificate form, after all breweries aren’t ten a penny in towns. Being a student at 30-something was a lot of fun, it brought out the inner child within me and got the creative juices flowing, within no time I was doing a spoof college newspaper, getting into lots of trouble and loving it. It’s all well and good being mature and sensible but if there’s one thing my psychotherapy background has taught me it’s that the inner child is always present, I’ve never shunned my inner child, its part of who I am.
Anyway, whilst in college library one day in walked the most cute little thing, flowing brown hair, curvy, a mona lisa type of face and lips that offered a thousand kisses – from that moment I was smitten. I tried not to stare but soon she was having problems with her pc so I did the gallant thing and helped out. Her voice was gentle, her manner shy and coy just talking to her my legs were shaking. She explained she was just there to take a test to see if she could get on a course at the college. I had to drag myself away from her, she was intoxicating, she took the test and left, my heart sank - would I see her again? I recall the vision as she left, she had a creamy woollen top on, a long formal skirt and a lovely round face, her shoulders were framed by a mass of thick chestnut brown tangled hair clasped into a loose ponytail. Some would say she looked frumpy, to me she was an angel.
Several weeks passed and then one morning when I sauntered into the college reception and she was there, my heart nearly leapt through my chest when she smiled at me in recognition, from that moment the chase was on. Needless to say the past moment in the library when I’d helped her had paid dividends. Soon we were sharing laughter in the canteen at lunchtime, going for walks in the nearby woods after, tentatively clutching hands - I was drowning in a sea of love. It was school boy stuff, only here I was in my thirties, the last thing on my mind was sex, I was just awestruck.
Then the darkness came, people see other people happy and want to change it, they want tears and misery because they don’t have the same, envy turns to jealousy and then the lies begin. Several unsavoury characters and certain people I’d pissed off with my spoof college newspaper began to exact revenge. It was easy for them really; Deb was a family girl, very naïve to say she was in her late twenties so she quickly fell victim to the untruths and deceit. She seemed to be spending a lot of time with a tutor who’d fixed her pc, he seemed pretty harmless and not being the jealous type I didn’t think much of it.
Soon after it was nearing time to leave college and Deb’s course was ending too, she took me for a final walk in the sunny filterd woods after lunch and ended what we had. She walked back and I remained staring at the trees, tears cascading down my face, so hot I thought they’d burn rivulets in my cheeks.
We both left college, the last week being agony as we hardly spoke but then to my joy I started receiving emails from her and things suddenly looked up. On leaving college I’d got a crappy job in Nottingham proof reading for a publisher, the job sucked and my retina’s felt burnt out at the end of each day, Deb was on my mind 24/7 and at work I used to craft emails to her in my head then send them later, even though my eyes stung. A few weeks after we met again, kissed softly and hugged, nothing more happened, I didn’t want it to, she was like a vase of purity that I didn’t want to break. We began to spend more time together, mainly Saturday’s, each encounter at my place led to us immersing ourselves in each other. We’d not made love yet but we’d come close.
Soon after I got my present job, the wage was good and it was close to where I lived, I would type Deb long emails whilst at work, it was a nice time. Then one weekend she told me she wanted to stay the whole weekend, spend more time with me, I was floating with excitement. When she arrived she seemed fine, and then as I leaned in to kiss her she pushed me aside before going to the toilet and locking herself in, sobbing uncontrollably. Despite my pleas she stayed put so I waited at the top of the stairs, musing what I’d done wrong. She came out and sat beside me, tried to force a smile and then clutched my trembling hand. She told me she had something to tell me, something terrible and that after I would not want to know her at all. Ashen faced I nodded and then she began.
It turned out that she’d being seeing the tutor who had fixed her pc, they’d been on several innocent dates and she saw him as someone that would help her build her confidence but on her last date with him things had gone wrong. They been out for a meal and then gone back to his, he’d put a video on and then plied her with cider. Later when she wanted to go home he made the excuse he couldn’t drive and she could sleep in the spare room but on helping her upstairs he sprang his trap and began to forcibly kiss her. He then guided her into the bedroom and had his way, she recalled she just froze at the time, it was over quickly and he fell asleep, she huddled and cried until the morning. When morning came he took her home, they sat in silence in the car like nothing had ever happened, flatly she told him she would not see him anymore, he drove away.
As the story ended every ounce of life had left me, I lay on my stomach and began to cry, hiding my head in my arms but my tears soon turned to rage, I was thumping the landing so hard my knuckles bled, on that landing, on that night my world collapsed. I’m not used to anger and when you aren’t it consumes you totally, rationality leaves you, it’s like an out of body experience. Eventually I calmed down, she was crying too, then she led me to the bedroom and the unexpected happened as she said ‘ make love to me Jay’. Amazed I turned to her and said ‘why?’ she replied ‘because I want to know what real love feels like – real love Jay.
A night of uncontrollable love making followed, as we entwined with each other and became tangled in the sheets, we paused only to cry or drink water, it was passion like I’ve never felt or known, it was sweeter than the sounds of summer.
Our real relationship began then and those first months were magical, weekends filled with laughter and lovemaking, it was as good as it gets – I was such a happy hobbit.
But read on my friends the tale does not end there.
When you love someone utterly you tend to be oblivious, you give all of yourself and nothing else matters, love after all should be unconditional.
That’s when things started to go wrong, I gave to much, became complacent and that’s when Deb began to take advantage. I recall seeing an offer on two mobile phones, back when they weren’t cheap, so I decided to buy two matching ones. On showing them Deb she wasn’t impressed, they just weren’t good or expensive enough. Then later at Christmas I spent over £400 on presents for her, Christmas morning came and she opened them ‘it’s not much is it?’ she said without emotion opening her sixth present. Soon after it was her birthday and I decided to do something impressive, a new restaurant had opened in town so I rang and booked a table. The night of her birthday came and we walked into the new restaurant, Deb was on my arm and I felt on cloud nine.
‘I booked a table for two back on Wednesday’ I said to the maitre-de
He again asked for my name and added it wasn’t there, I laughed and said there must be some mistake, he looked again and confirmed that my name wasn’t present. I turned open mouthed to Deb but she was already storming out the door. Hastening after her she began wailing theatrically and stomping her feet – how could I do this to her on her birthday!?
In an attempt to calm her down I suggested another new place across town that was supposed to be good, I calmed her down and coaxed her there but to my horror they were fully booked. Getting outside her screams filled the busy street, was this my Deb? The she announced it was over, she was calling her dad to pick her up. I recall everyone was looking at our scene, grinning at the misery on my face. As she stormed to a phone box I noticed a nearby Indian restaurant that I used to frequent and in a last ditch effort I managed to persuade her to go there. She did so but reluctantly, she still told me it was over and that after the meal she would leave. Composing myself I recognised one of the Indian waiters, slipping him a crisp tenner I told him to lay it on thick with the service and bring the champagne on in the silverware ice trolley, he did so and did me proud. Before long she was playing footsie with me under the table and laughing. I was left feeling stunned yet sympathetic to her outrage; I put it down to just drawing bad cards on the night but her sudden mood swings were beginning to puzzle me.
After that, things didn’t get any easier, Deb became more confident, made more decisions and I became more passive but still eager to please. I knew I was fast reaching a point where I couldn’t meet her demands, whatever I did just wasn’t good enough. I had a heart to heart with a confidante at work and she said to me ‘Jay, it sounds like this relationship is making you more sadder then happy’ – she was right but I still didn’t want to end it.
As time passed and Deb and I reflected on the past I began to notice several holes in her story about her night with the tutor, so in a drunken rage I rang him and demanded answers, he seemed surprised by my accusations and vehemently denied them; adding Deb was more than willing.
My whole life was descending into apathy, nothing I did was ever right and I felt worthless, my self esteem hit rock bottom and I couldn’t handle Deb’s mood swings.
Some time later Deb had shall we say a ‘female’ problem with her downstairs and that ruled sex out, we spent less time together, I tried to visit and support her through her ordeal but I was shunned, she thought she had something seriously wrong with her and feared the worst. Time passed, we chatted on the phone almost daily but we knew it was over, instead of visiting she’d make excuses, she said she was having a time out and staying at a hotel retreat but several weeks earlier I’d found a text from a fella on her mobile. Yes as you probably guessed, the end came, she dumped me over the phone and I never saw or heard from her again, she lived several miles away so at least I wouldn’t have the pain of bumping into her again, with or without a new fella.
So, the end brings us to my friends blog, where she looked back and reflected, saw she was being used and wanted to share her painful past with us, her disclosure has to be admired and respected – how brave she really is.
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