Today I visited my gran, I don’t visit as much as I should really, It’s usually when I’m over in that neck of the woods. Every time I see her now I notice the steady decline in her health more and more. This afternoon when I saw her she looked more than old, as if all vigour and life is departing at a rapid rate. As life goes she’s sadly hanging by the last threads.
She was always pleased to see me but this time she didn’t talk as much, she seemed distant, almost resigned, bluntly she seemed tired of life. I’ve never seen her like this before or look so old, in fact she looked almost ancient today. She lives with my aunt and uncle nowadays and she’s well looked after, she sleeps much of the time and seems to want peace and quiet more than anything.
In a strange way her passing will affect me more than the passing of my mother, I can’t really explain why, I just know it will. I had to be strong when my mother died, organise things and keep a level head, when I gran goes I will have the freedom to mourn her. Of course I mourned the passing of my mother but not till long after, when I could do, when I could come to terms with my own emotions and feelings.
My Gran, or ‘Doris’ as I affectionately call her has been a remarkable woman through the years. She never seemed to stop, always a worker, a feisty red head, a character, a woman of manners and principles. I spent a lot of time as a youngster at my grandparents, especially weekends, it was a working class household that spent most of the time in the kitchen watching horse racing, eating none fancy traditional fare and drinking copious amounts of the local brew. There was nothing remotely flamboyant about my grandparents on my mother’s side, they were very common people but they were decent people. Most of all they were generous people.
Doris was an air raid warden during the war, a mother, a factory worker and on occasion a no nonsense hard drinking, hard smoking woman capable of fire and brimstone befitting of her red hair. Today I still see that in her but I also see she’s ready to cross that threshold into another realm.
I’m fast approaching my 40th Birthday and I hope she is still here when that day comes. She was by my side when my mother passed away (her own daughter), she was by my side when I was a little boy, such happy memories I have as a child in that lively household with her and my grand father who was a character in his own right.
I drove away from seeing Doris at my aunts today feeling very sad, I had to bite my bottom lip a few times and turn the music up. Seeing Doris how she was today certainly jolted my mortal coil, made me realise what she really means to me. When she passes away, she will be the last of my grand parents, both sets of grandparents have indeed shaped my life to an extent. Doris was probably my favourite, she never judged me though she’d tell me off if my manners were lacking as a child. I was always treated seemingly as an adult and spent many a happy hour with them down at the local pub, life seemed a lot simpler then as I remember.
For now though Doris is still here, in her late 80’s and despite her frailties she’s still alert and knows her own mind. She may well pass away soon but to me she’ll always be immortal.
