Out Of Touch

Listening to the Conservative party conference today made me realise just how out of touch they are with the real people of Britain. They have no concept of what real people are going through, their wants and needs and what its really like in the towns and on the streets of this country. They seem intent on social division like no party has before, they seem even more hell bent on it than Thatcher did.

I'm not sure where all this is going to end up but it's not going to be good, a Neo-Victorian era awaits as the middle class seems to be collapsing and the gap between rich and poor widens.

Enduring

Everything has a beginning and in the story I am about to tell I know about the beginning because I was there, at the start of an unforgettable era.

It all began for me on a rainy autumn night, I was in my early twenties, down on my luck, unemployed, recently out of my first long term relationship and in all honesty feeling lost. As I sat with glazed eyes, motionless in front of the television my dad urged me to go and do something, to get out and get some air and then he suggested to go down to the local pub. It was a pub that I'd gone to in those long summers of the seventies with my parents, content to chase other kids around on the grass or play games of hide and seek. In later years I passed it daily walking to school and on a wet night back in the early 1990's or it may have even been the closing year of the 1980s I found myself walking through the door into this pub, into what was called the 'tap room' or games room as they were sometimes known. Tap rooms were usually sparsely furnished in any pub and usually contained the regular drinkers from the surrounding area. This pub wasn't any different, I opened the doors, was met by a sea of strange faces and blinking like a nervous owl made for the bar.

A strange guttural noise punctuated the noise of chatter and glasses clanking, I didn't realise it was aimed in my direction. I heard it again and a huge mountain of a man asked me if I 'was on of the 'black widows?'. Confused and nervous I wasn't sure what to do but was beckoned over by the grinning giant and asked if I'd seen the Clint Eastwood film 'Every which way but lose?'. Nodding hesitantly I wasn't sure what to expect and he added that because I had long hair I reminded him of one of the biker gang members from that film before making the strange noise again and breaking into laughter with the other patrons. He beckoned me to sit down and join them, gingerly I sat on the edge of their group and in no time I was chuckling with them and playing pool. I went home drunk at the end of the night but my spirits were lifted, the night had been the tonic I needed, laughter and some great company.

From then on I began to frequent the pub regularly, the company was infectious, the locals earthy and hard working and I guess for me that's how it all began. The pub was called the Ravensdale Hotel though it was no longer a hotel just a pub that sat on the edge of an estate that in the 1970's had something of a reputation.

The path to rebuilding myself after my first big relationship had somewhat unconsciously began. As the months dropped off the calendar I began to get to know other people in the pub, the hard core regulars were always there but new people began to appear around my age. I think Eddie, Steve and Bryan were probably some of the first, followed by Daz and then in the coming weeks a long list of others too numerous to mention followed. Friendships soon flourished, countless games of pool came and went and the juke box never seemed idle. The truth was I couldn't get enough of the place. The early 90s ushered in different sounds and fashions, we'd crowd around the small colour tv watching football world cups and laughter and nonsense was never more than a few seconds away. I knew everyone in that tap room, from young to old. You could go in at any time and there'd always been someone to talk to. 

Friendships became deep rooted, sure we often had squabbles between ourselves but it was usually down to the drink rather than clash of personalities, a nights sleep and it was always forgotten. Many adventures were had both in the pub and other places. We went to Amsterdam, camping trips and in later years a group of us went off to Thailand. I'd literally be here all day typing if I tried to convey it all, and I don't think I could convey it all because I wasn't sober all of the time! I wasn't a alcoholic by any means, and sometimes I'd have to steer clear of the pub until the weekend if I was working shifts. It was however a second home. A place of refuge when my parents split up and I'd go there to avoid the rows. In truth I guess I had my moments of idiocy in there and so did others but it was always forgotten because people always knew the real you and stuck with each other through life's problems, such was the nature of friendship and camaraderie in there. It was a pub of character and indeed great characters, I'll never forget some of the antics we got up to and people like the late great Gerry Shannon who could make people laugh effortlessly. 

I guess you could say we built our own little empire in there but it was very much an empire of the mind  .... and of enduring friendships.

Yesterday I found myself driving to that very pub, by my side was Macca. He's a fine fella and great personality, I think he moved over to where I live now just before me, he's married with kids and a fireman. As we drove over we soon began to talk about the past and the characters and adventures. It dawned on me I'd not seen some of them in years. The occasion was Macca's 40th birthday that he celebrated recently and today many of those from that golden era were reuniting for it. 

The Ravensdale has long changed, it got knocked through and refurbished in  2002. It's now a family orientated meal pub but still retains some locals and shows sport on flat screen tv's. Sadly it doesn't feel the same, the last night of the old Ravensdale was 11th of May 2002 and a few years after that I relocated to where I live now.

Memories and true friendships never fade, in fact they remain constant, even though I hadn't seen some of the guys for years when I arrived yesterday it actually felt like I'd not seen them in weeks. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside and I can't describe how good it felt to be around old friends again. Sadly with driving over there I wasn't drinking, and I've cut the beer for a while for health reasons and my recent fitness regime but that didn't change how fantastic it felt to see most of them again.

Mansfield may not be my home anymore, The Ravensdale is no longer my local pub but the friends and fellowships I made from that place endure, I feel proud to have all of them as my friend.

As I drove back home in the dark rain filled night after spending a good four hours or so with them I felt quite melancholy but then as memories of the good times filtered into my head from the nights conversations I was instantly lifted, and I also smiled knowing many of them would have hangovers from hell today!

I'll be back over that way to see some of them again soon, and I suspect that more adventures are yet to be had.

The Ravensdale as it was on its last night prior to closing in May 2002.

All The Power In The World

In the 1994 movie The Crow, the main protagonist 'Top Dollar' says 'All the power in the world resides in the eyes'. He wasn't wrong, just recently I found out the very reality of those words.

Having had trouble with my eyes I ended up at the eye casualty at the local main hospital in Nottingham. A few days after I got to see a specialist. The news wasn't good, as I sat there he frankly told me the realities and that because having had so much eye surgery in the past they couldn't do any more. If they did they may be in danger of undoing all the surgery gone before and actually going into the eye to rectify the problem was unthinkable, in fact he refused to do it, adding 'if you gave offered me millions in cash - I'd refuse'. Part of me didn't want to hear what he was telling me, I'd read up on things, I thought it would be possible to remove the problem but no. I came out of the room feeling crushed, eyes dilated through drops the white lit corridors of the hospital seemed bright, almost dreamy, I had to wake up. Putting my sunglasses on the doctors words echoed in my mind, my problem would get worse, only if I had a detached retina could he go in and remove the vitreous gel floating around in my eye, but then the gel itself was causing problems already and could be the cause of future problems. There seemed no solution. If the gel didn't cause problems the retina would probably detach, blindness was very much a future possibility.

Vision blurred I made for the main exit, peoples voices seemed like echoes and I was consumed in thought, a stray tear escaped, my mouth quivered slightly and I bit down hard to bring myself under control. The gel in my eye swam around making my already distorted vision seem like I was underwater. 

On the train home I felt empty, surely they could sort it out, medicine is so good these days right? No. Medicine can only do so much, it can't repair everything, the reality hit me like train colliding with the one I was on. The journey back seemed to take moments, I had music on my mp3 player but it was merely background noise, the exterior of the train seemed removed, it just felt like me sat on a seat traversing the local fields, alone.

I got home, stumbled through town on auto-pilot and immediately went to bed. I slept soundly, wanting the eye drops to fade in potency. I woke, lay there and suddenly tears coursed down my face.

And now, days after hearing this? I feel ok, still deflated but getting stronger daily. The mood of 'I can't do anything' has been replaced by 'I can do anything I want and why worry?'. As the legendary general Hannibal once said 'I will either find a way or make one'.

May hasn't been an easy month, I suspect harder months are to come but I'm not yet ready to yield to darkness.

Dog Ignorance

Dogs seem to be in the news again, and its not good news either. there was an incident last week in the town where I live in which one dog killed another in the town centre, today in the news its dogs killing a teenage girl.

I'm not going to lie here, I dislike dogs. This comes from having been once attacked by two large dogs whilst walking to work some years ago and being bitten once in the face by an Alsation breed of dog on another occasion. This has of course made me wary of dogs and with good reason.

I'm a libertarian in many ways when it comes to social freedoms but I really feel we need to start cracking down on dogs and seriously revising laws regarding them. It wasn't so long ago there was a call to clamp down and cull foxes for attacking a baby (lets remember they are wild animals) yet we remain complacent about dogs. I still recall watching a video last year of a dog attacking and seriously injuring police officers, it turned my stomach to watch.

We place too much emphasis and importance on 'pets' these days, especially dogs. People have dogs for many reasons but we have to admit many of these reasons are wrong. More often these days people have them for vanity, emotional needs, company, dog fighting, breeding for money or just to keep up with the neighbours. A person may have a dog for company, yet ironically be out at work all day leaving the dog alone. Many have dogs as family pets then realise they don't have time or inclination to look after them as burgeoning dog rescue centres can attest to. The sad fact is people take dogs for granted and thus over time we elevated them to be almost a fundamental part of our lives without even thinking about it. 

Now, I understand reasons why people have dogs, unless it is for fighting or breeding even more fearsome ones, this though has become seemingly a core part of many of the underclass, a dog is more a status symbol than a pet. Though it may sound harsh I think from a practical perspective that dogs should be ideally used for airports, police, rescue and farms etc. Outside of that if people want dogs then they should be licensed, chipped and costly. I hear people gasp but surely if you genuinely want a dog then you'd be happy to pay for it? In the same sense as if people genuinely want a type of car or expensive piece of jewellery they'll pay for it. The problem these days is that dogs are readily available. This causes problems as its going to be almost impossible to police. Ok, so the government are bringing in new laws to chip dogs but will this seriously be enough? People always say 'Oh my dog never bites anyone its a softy!' until of course it does then it's 'well its not like my dog, its completely out of character'. Lets be clear, dogs are animals and thus (surprise surprise) on occasion act like animals, especially with others when a pack mentality sets in, where other dogs will blindly follow a pack leader no matter how much its owners have it down as domesticated.

We have a massive ignorance towards a growing dog problem in this country and until we get tough on dog owners then it won't subside. We take dogs for granted, as a given right. I know the majority of dog owners are responsible ones, we don't see as much dog faeces gracing the streets as we used but that said its still around.

What the government needs to do to avoid attacks, dog fighting, dangerous breeds and such is to begin clamping down and introduce harsh sentences. On top of that it needs to introduce dog licences, a national dog database, chipping and urge sellers and breeders to sell them at a premium preferably taxable. If people genuinely wanted dogs then they'd do the above.

In closing I'm sorry if my views sound harsh but I can't help the way I feel about it, and that's very strongly.

Everlasting Winter

This winter feels like it has lasted forever. Usually people say winter is never over until February is out of the way but this year February came and went, was very cold and now at the end of March we seem firmly entrenched in winter still. Suffering with a severe arthritic condition makes the cold no fun for me at all. I'm reluctant to put the heating on as its so expensive these days but sometimes I just think to hell with the bill and put it on, pain it seems tips the balance over cost when the cold is really biting. I dread to think what large fuel bills families have? In winter my bill usually comes in around £300 quarterly and I avoid using it as much as possible. I layer up clothing wise, even sometimes wear a hat, my apartment being on the top floor seemingly is colder in winter yet hot in summer, ideally I need to look at relocating.

I recall about a decade or so ago gas and electric seemed relatively cheap, stretching my mind back I think my bills came in around £80 for a quarter and it always seemed to be on in winter. How times change and how the fuel companies have been consumed with greed. of course the governments remarks about it yet nothing seems to be done, no surprises really.

These days the gap between rich and poor is becoming ever more apparent. The current government seems determined to purge the poor. Benefits are being slashed whilst living costs rise. It even seems that you see more poor people these days, its evident just by the way they are dressed, added to the fact we seem to have an increasing amount of lower class Eastern Europeans on the streets, if you haven't seen social changes then my guess is that your head must be buried in the sand, you're rich and oblivious to it, or you just choose to ignore it as it doesn't really concern you. The reality today is that the world is a changing place, in fact its been changing quite rapidly for a while now when you stop and take stock of things. I've taken to watching different news channels to get a broader picture of what's happening around the UK and around the world. As for the press? Well most of the British press is odious and predictable. Right wing tabloids often putting spin on stories to divide society even more. 

Despondent? Not really, I just seem to have an increasing awareness to the reality of how things are changing and not for the better. Right now though I want winter to end, for the pain and stiffness in my joints to subside and for rays of sun to shine through. This winter has slowed me down. which of course has slowed my plans down, the claws of the cold weather seemingly place curses on my ambition.

2012

So that was 2012, personally an unremarkable year but not a totally wasted one either. When I reflect back over 2012 its been a year of highs and lows but neither at any great height or depth.

The low stuff? Well ongoing health issues, employment and love. Midway through the year I also hit a low patch, I wouldn't exactly call it depression and took no medication but there was a time when I struggled to be motivated and felt gloomy for a good duration. I think I only ever told a couple of people and I went around wearing a painted smile. It's hard to put into words how I felt but eventually I shook it off, I bounced back and now its behind me.

The highs? Becoming an unlikely male model photographed by a famous artist in London. Malta in spring. My Humanist blog, having the eye tattooed again and friends that made life ever enjoyable. There have been other good moments but the above are the ones that spring immediately to mind.

I think on the whole 2012 made me a better person inside. I certainly became stronger, absorbed more, became something of a rebel with causes yet remained balanced and able to realise when I was wrong and needed to re-align matters. Less beer has been consumed and more books have been read. Even when I momentarily glanced into the past I felt no emotion, a sure sign I'd moved on.

So what do I want for 2013, well apart from the usual health and happiness I want many things. I want to carry on building great friendships, I want to travel more and get my car back on the road. In these uncertain times I want stability (who doesn't!?) but I'm still going to speak out against issues many would rather avoid. Honestly speaking I don't have a concrete plan for 2013 but I've always liked to be flexible, I suspect the car being road worthy again and becoming fitter are immediate priorities though, then I'll take it from there.

So bring on 2013. I'm ready!

Of Facebook, Friends and Passions Bold

'Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.' 

Was written by Voltaire in a letter to M. le Riche, February 6, 1770. It's often misquoted nowadays along the lines of 'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it'. With that sentence said, and hopefully digested by anyone reading I want to write frankly about feelings, passions and that modern conundrum of social networking - Facebook.

I have to be honest and say I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Like most human beings I'm inquisitive, so checking into Facebook regularly satisfies my thirst for knowledge and curiosity. Overall I think I like it mainly because it keeps all friends and associates alike in one place. I suspect some just have a large friends list to stroke their own ego though!

That said I don't always like what I see on there. I'll be candid for a moment and say I don't like a constant stream of updates by the same person. Then there's the things I have no interest in, babies, dogs, repeated posting of regurgitated imaged jokes that are still doing the rounds from Myspace and constant posting of music videos. 

BUT....

That said I have nothing personally against the person posting, because to be honest, if I had kids I'd be passionate about them, I'd be proud and want the world to know about them. If I had a dog, the same would apply, as would a favourite musical band, and on it goes. So even though I grind my teeth about some things I'd always defend peoples right to post whatever they want. What do I like to see? Well I enjoy witty comments, jokes, holiday photos as I love travel and links to interesting articles. So I guess the likes offset the dislikes and you have to take into account we're all different, we can't all like the same thing - fact.

The reality is on platforms such as Facebook is that people don't do criticism well, who does really? Criticism and things like ridicule come in different forms of course and can be constructive as well as negative but when we do either - we reason. I recently told a female friend I thought she posted too many status updates and many seemed mundane or irrelevant. This of course didn't go down well and I woke the next day to find myself deleted as a friend. Oh well, my timing wasn't perfect but my criticism was that if I was finding minutiae and tedium in her status's then others may do but of course I realise she has every right to post status's as much as she likes. I don't mind being deleted and obviously my comments hit a nerve but in all honesty her constant stream of comments pointed towards insecurity and a desire to be popular when really she was likeable enough in the first place. Sometimes people need telling and in some circumstances its for the right reasons or we care.

This is where Facebook is used as a weapon though, an emotional base tool akin to infantile playground psychology 'I've suddenly decided I don't like you and I'm not your friend anymore'. We may all remove people from time to time on Facebook for varying valid reasons. I've done it myself but the usual reason for me is I don't really know the person, or they are the type to add you then never speak when they see you in the street. Would I delete someone for disagreeing or criticism of me? Highly unlikely.

I often clash with people on Facebook because some of my views are controversial, I seemingly have a faculty to disenchant people with my opinions and critical thinking. I'm pretty sure some of this is because people don't want think critically, they are comfortable in their bubble and stepping out of it can be unnerving. They may also disagree with me because they have genuine logical and legitimate reasons to do so, after all people do think differently, which is why I like debate so I can see different angles on things. Though I may have strong thoughts and passionate opinions I am not afraid to be outwitted or proved wrong.

Take for instance a recent status of mine in which I openly voiced opinion against the Pope and Queen. People didn't like it, knee jerk reactions occurred and strong counter opinions were voiced, some however were in total concurrence. The person that didn't like my comments is an ex military sort, excellent morals and not a bad bloke at all, the queen and country noble sort you might say and we seem to share a passion for dark humour. The irony was though whilst he was happy to defend religion he has been open about his feelings on Muslims etc in the past, some of which I share, especially on immigration. So the obvious counter argument would be you can defend one faith yet not another? Christianity can be a comfort to millions yet Islam cannot? I don't like any organised faith, though more of that shortly. He actually backed a comment once that I did on immigration but probably believes Britain is still great. I'd say we are both patriots in a different way.

Personally speaking, I don't like the Monarchy, I feel we are descending into neo-feudalism where the cultural and rich/poor divide is getting bigger. So inevitably what we may be come is something like a quasi medieval society and the historically minded will all know how grim those times were. Just look at Henry VIII, he used religion to his advantage, used ordinary men in wars to acquire territory and wealth and gorged on lavish banquets when many had nothing. I'm not saying the current monarchy is the same of course but they have many, many faults and we shouldn't blindly put so much emphasis on them as we do in my opinion, the days of the empire are long gone, we need to modernise and not keep giving rich people even more money.

Moving to religion, well that would take an age to explain my complete and utter revulsion of it. The pope preaches love and peace in his Christmas message yet openly takes a swipe at gay people, a contradiction in terms. The papacy is an organisation that is seeing thousands die in Africa by telling them using condoms is against gods will. How in rationalities name is this good??

My views on organised religion are so strong that I have been writing a Humanist blog since March of this year. I am wholehearted and passionately opposed to it for countless reasons.

So going full circle. Passion for things is what drives us, you are passionate, I am passionate, you have interests, I have interests, you have causes, I have causes and we all have different humour. The stigma attached to shorter people like me voicing opinions is that we have 'little man syndrome'. Any person under 5'5" kicking off is seemingly labelled with it. No such condition exists of course but its often used to denigrate the more vertically challenged of us should we get uppity and dare to have an opinion. I understand the term of course, and in some ways I agree it can be applicable, but only in the sense of a short person with real anger issues actively seeking physical confrontation to prove something, that is just folly. Maybe in my late teens and early twenties I may have been more like that, trying to stand shoulder to shoulder in the big wide world but you soon find out big people hurt when they hit (physics!) but that's not to say little people can't hurt back, Mike Tyson was never the tallest of boxers I believe. Fighting in any form, though necessary on occasion, should be avoided, I'd go for debate and dialogue every time. I realise I am diminutive in physical stature, I'm happy with that especially in my more mature years, wit and words have to be my weapons because brawn cannot be, I just wouldn't want to be the big sort who clobbered someone because they disagreed and could do so through sheer physical force. I guess I'm the Tyrion Lannister sort, for anyone that watches the Game of Thrones series or reads the books.

My passions, my angers, my beliefs are done via the medium of blogging and Facebook, with words and reasoning, done with honesty and done so all can see. Anyone who really knows me, knows the real me as a person despite my rants, opinions and dark satire. On many occasions I cross swords on Facebook with another friend but we always chat about views when we meet and we appreciate each others brevity on certain things.

I'm fortunate to live in a democracy and have free speech. On some occasions though I've been wrong, certain criticisms of the Fox & Crown come to mind but these were things I felt passionate about at the time but reacted to in haste and by listening to people whom perhaps I shouldn't but I'm human and I make mistakes. I deleted my blog on the pub and spoke to the people concerned, admittedly I should have perhaps done that in the first place. I know all don't agree with me, I don't expect them to but I hope the bonds of friendship transcends differences in opinions and they are mutually respected. I just want to end with the fact if you don't feel happy about something then don't be ever be afraid to say!

As Mark Twain once said; 'Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else.'

I may not like everyone's views or opinions but like Voltaire I would defend their right to have them. Social Networking and blogging may not be everyone's proverbial cup of tea but it gives millions a voice - 'Vive la social revolution!'

Midnight

The Lords of Midnight was a game that had me hooked as a youngster. So much so that in my final year of school in 1984 I'd stay up till almost the next day playing it on my Sinclair ZX Spectrum. It was an amazing strategy role playing game that will always stay with me as one of the most influential games I've ever played. Today a friend emailed me to say the creator of that game series had died, his name was Mike Singleton. This report in the Guardian describes the game better than I ever could. I do feel a tinge of sadness at his passing, of course I never knew him or anything about him personally but it was his game that had me hooked on a game genre that I cannot give up to this day, on reflection it really was a ground breaking game.

I fondly remember nights sat peering into a colour portable tv having loaded the game in via a clunky cassette recorder. I'd immerse myself in the game, plan strategies, make notes and replace the game cassette with something like Duran Duran. I still recall listening to The Chauffeur by them whilst playing the game, oddly it seemed to fit the pace and mystery of the game. Happy nostalgic memories, and to Mike Singleton, a true visionary - thank you for those memories and rest in peace.

Westward Bound?

'Move out of the way!' some tracksuit clad yob shouted as he ran down the alleyway in front of me.

I stepped aside slightly, not that I was exactly in his way and mused if he was a thief with the haste he was in. The next road was no better, a cyclist hurtling down the pavement with no regard for anyone. Arriving on the market square my eyes casually scan across it. I see lots of mothers with push chairs, many are of Eastern European origin chatting in their own native tongue that never seems to come up for air. Where ever I look there seems to be underclass type people in tracksuits despite the fact they aren't practical in this cold weather, they shout instead of talking in guttural slang, it barely resembles English. Perhaps I am being one sided here, but it is what I saw, and what I keep seeing on daily sojourns through the provincial market town I live in. In fact I've witnessed a few things recently, none that I can really draw positives from. In some respects it's a sign of the times and getting endemic in most towns across the country.

Reflecting back, I recall these type of people were one of the reasons I left the last town where I lived, not the main reason by any account but one of them.

Do I like where I live? The answer is yes, the simple argument being that there are worse places to live, though that said - there's better. I might be cynical but I really can't see things getting any better, as ignorant generation produces yet more increasingly ignorant generations. The social changes I've seen since I was a teenager have been quite frankly unnerving. I can't deny that I am feeling restless here.

For some time now I've looked to relocating to the coast, the south west coasts of Somerset and Devon really appeal to me for many reasons. The older I get the less interested in town life I am, a small place by or near the coast in a large historical village or small town is what I ideally want. The air would be better for my asthma, there'd be less idiots (though every place has them I confess) and it'd be a better environment generally. When you get older your priorities change and what I wanted before are changing. I don't want somewhere that has nothing but the basics will do fine, a sprinkling of nice pubs, a few shops, bank post office etc, I'm sure you get the idea, quiet and functional yet picturesque. I'm not a snob, I just want to escape to something more 'me'.

I guess this all sounds like a dream, a fantasy or wish, and I concede that in some respects it very much is. The thing is, if I don't look into these type of places, visit them, check them out for suitable jobs then I'll never know or make it happen.

A Moral Regret

I was in town today, sat in market place drinking coffee outside Starbucks, coat buttoned up against the cold whilst talking to a friend. We noticed a man hovering around near us and when we paused in conversation he came forward and politely asked if he could ask us both a question? We both nodded and smiled and the man told us he was a Dutch guy who was over here with his girlfriend but had run into a problems. He went on to add he'd stayed at York and used his bank card with no problems whilst in a hotel, however he'd since been unable to find an ATM machine that would dispense money to him. He went on to enquire if we knew of any banks that would help him?

We pondered for a moment and then pointed out the major banks in our small town, the HSBC bank being the most well known internationally. He said he'd tried that one and they were unable to help. At that moment his girlfriend returned, they spoke quickly in Dutch and then thanked us for our help, adding he'd called home for assistance. His phone then rang and they wandered off.

Sitting musing the situation my friend and I pondered things. I added maybe if they were struggling I could have got them a coffee each, after all it was a cold day and a couple of coffees don't cost much. As we mused more questions arose, such as why didn't they carry cash or other cards? After all if you are going abroad there's many ways to carry cash in different forms. I'm not saying these guys didn't seem genuine, in fact they had probably just ran into bad luck and not prepared for their journey that well. I love Dutch people, they spoke in Dutch, I have a Dutch friend, in fact there seemed little to doubt.

A few minutes later they passed by us again at a distance and waved and smiled before vanishing from view, maybe the phone call he received was good news? My overriding thought was I wished I'd asked them to join us for a coffee and regretted not doing so. Was it right to be wary and cautious, I believe so to some degree but couldn't help feeling 'What if I ever needed help when abroad?'. As it happens I have, in Thailand once, and a Thai man helped me more than I could have imagined and yet today I felt at a loss after for not helping more apart from offering some advice. It's really funny how life throws us these little moral dilemmas at times and how they play on our minds after.

Tolkien Week #3

So the new The Hobbit trailer has arrived at long last. Duration wise its a massive jump on the first teaser trailer released back at the end of last year, this one being two and a half minutes. Though it is longer Peter Jackson has still been canny with the content in it. It does feel like we've got an expanded version of the original teaser in the fact we've got more of the same with a few extras and nothing much being given away really. However that said we do get a few more lingering moments on characters and places such as Radagast the brown wizard and Dol Guldur in Mirkwood. All in all its a pleasing little trailer and I hope we'll see yet another trailer before the movie release because the content is there and I can't help feeling Jackson is holding back on some characters such as Beorn, the Goblin King and many others, not to mention Smaug.

My only bone of contention is the content really. Being a purist of the novels I did grind my teeth at what went into the Lord of the Rings and what was omitted. I suspect with The Hobbit not being anywhere as voluminous as its sequels this may not be a problem this time around (I hope).  

There is some talk from critics that because the film has been shot at a very high quality (I forget the tech term for it but it's on the movie blogs) and that this reveals too much detail in outfits and prosthetics which detracts from realism. Firstly, I'm not yet seeing that myself, much like with any fantasy genre movie you know ultimately prosthetics are used if CGI isn't, so I've got my head around it in that respect. That said I don't know what effect the high quality detail will have over the duration over the film, it may indeed be a point I flag up, though as I'll only be watching it in 2D I hope not, it remains to be seen though I guess.

I remain optimistic and hopeful Peter Jackson will deliver. He certainly has a great story content there, a whole cast of great actors and most likely some of the best production people in the business. Right up until the end credits role I will have reservations but right now I think its shaping up well.

Click HERE for the new trailer on itunes, its trailer 2 by the way.

Tolkien Week #1

So Tolkien Week begins worldwide. It's seventy five years since the fantasy novel 'The Hobbit' was first published. The American Tolkien society first proclaimed Hobbit Day and Tolkien Week back in 1978 and it's been going over since, getting quite a bit of recognition by all accounts. Hobbit Day falls on the 22nd September and for those of you who haven't read the Lord of the Rings it's the joint birthday of hobbits called Bilbo and Frodo Baggins.

I first fell in love with Tolkien's works back in the early 80s. How or why I came by the book titled The Hobbit is lost to memory now. I do know I found it in the school library aged around 14, of that much I am certain, whether I stumbled upon it or someone suggested it remains clouded in the folds of time.

Back then I wasn't the most academic of students but I read The Hobbit pretty voraciously being enthralled by the fantasy world Tolkien had created containing hobbits, dwarves, trolls, elven kings and mighty dragons. It awakened something inside me that stimulated me to read more and develop an interest in writing. My English went from strength to strength and I do recall coming top of my English class that year with my exam result. My English teacher was a lovely man and he encouraged me immensely though I was just at the beginning of a very long journey.

Next I read the Lord of the Rings. I remember taking all three volumes on a family holiday. We stayed in a farmhouse in the rural village of Scalby in North Yorkshire overlooking the coastal town of Scarborough. Every spare chance available I busily read through the many chapters. I can remember long walks with my dad, uncle and cousin Ben through forests and over hills and they were the perfect compliment to Tolkiens world and imagining it. Though I can't recall every detail of that holiday thirty years ago I can remember a good deal and it seemed magical.

Here I am all those years later, still reading, still writing and still in love as much as ever with Tolkien's books.

J.R.R. Tolkien I sincerely thank you !

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Back !

Yes I know, I've been absent without leave! I've been concentrating on my other specialised blog and neglecting this one a little. This is my 'life' blog yet I guess life has been getting in the way a little!

So hopefully over the next week or so I'll ease back into this one and bring readers (those that are interested!) up to speed on what has been going on an my opinions on things etc. Stay tuned!

Flawed Diamond

So here in Britain we celebrate the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II this weekend, which is also a bank holiday. The irony is most of the populace are more interested in the extra days off instead of pondering the royal family and their alleged importance.

The media cover it relentlessly as the Queen shuffles from one public engagement to another and it's called 'public service'. I like to think I'm a patriot albeit in my own way but I cannot venerate a Queen that I no longer identify with. 

All this fuss by the middle and upper class to pay homage to someone that brings some extra money in via tourism. A woman that likes to race horses, watch Polo matches and does all the things the upper class revel in, has she really got anything in common with the average man in the street? Is she really representative of the total populace of this country?

The monarchy isn't really needed any more. People could argue that the royal family bring much money into the nation via tourism which states plainly to me she is more tourist attraction than any real use. She may visit places, she may cut ribbons and perform ceremonies and for that she gets paid far too much.

We need to wake up and smell the coffee, realise that the monarchy is a relic of the past and we no longer need it. As a nation we still have much to offer without them, hundreds of places of interest and beauty and we should look at promoting these over nostalgia of an empire, an empire that has long gone.

Other European monarchies are more low key, Scandinavian ones and Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands and that is the direction we should head. We won't though of course because we are too indoctrinated and wrapped in all of this nonsense to see beyond it. 

Am I filled with a sense of pride this weekend as the nation reveres the monarchy? No, not at all, I will remember the people who did and still do make this nation what it was and sometimes still is. They are the workers, the artists, the builders, the poets, the engineers, the scientists, the authors and countless others that have influenced and inspired me - none of them royalty.

Malta 2012

At the beginning of the month I went to Malta once again. Readers will know I've been a couple of times before though they were both winter visits. The weather there is still way more favourable than English weather that time of year.

Malta is still a mystery to me really. Why? Well because I never really feel I've gotten my head around the place and the people, though both are lovely. This visit I vowed to delve deeper into the island, see more and do more whilst fitting some relaxing and fact finding in, as my father was pondering moving out there now he's retired.

It had been almost a year and a half since my last sojourn to this little island of mystery and much has changed in the resort we usually stay at. For starters there European recession had firmly arrived, some bars had closed whilst other tacky ones had sprang up. Noticeably, English package tourists seemed more evident though sadly the sort that just want to get drunk and sing karaoke in bars selling cheap canned lager. The irony was that they seemed older tourists, 50+ at least though acting much younger, sometimes it took the term 'growing old disgracefully' to a new low level. Traditionally Malta has attracted older package British tourists eager for a warm quiet break, as well as diving enthusiasts or people with a general interest in the island and it's rich history. Now it seems the 'Benidorm' crowd as I would term it are creeping in, its a case of fun pubs over bars with charm and atmosphere.

The Maltese deserve a medal just for tolerating these types of good time package tourism and unsavoury Brits yet like any small island economy need them just the same. It often feels like the Maltese wear a painted smile and do their own socialising separate in many cases. 

To the uninitiated Maltese people seem stand offish and aloof but once you strike a friendship with them their cultural differences are more understandable. I started up a conversation with a young Maltese guy one day and after some subtle word work on my part he confessed that many Maltese though respectful of Brits are getting tired of drunken younger Brits which did seem more in abundance on this visit.

Moving on, the weather was amazing for the whole duration of the holiday. The hotel we stayed at was really nice though a little corporate. The facilities were great and we had a lovely balcony view overlooking the sea, it was a joy to wake up to. The food was lovely though breakfast wasn't that good to be fair, continentals don't always appreciate a good English breakfast, the continental option was fine though. Most holiday review sites seem to say whatever hotel you stay at in Malta then general reduce it by one star and having stayed there a few times now I do think that's fair, though that said, I am sure there's plenty of amazing hotels, don't let that put you off because my experiences have all been good thus far.

During the stay we explored the historic capital Valletta more but there is still much more to discover, it really is a lovely place. The Labour club in Valletta on Republic street is definitely worth a visit. We had spaghetti in rabbit sauce whilst drinking a beer and looking out over the balcony onto the bustling street below.

We also indulged in a day cruise to the northern islands of Comino and Gozo, taking in such sights as the fabled Blue Lagoon, James Bond cave and many others before doing a tour via mini bus of Gozo with Joe the tour guide (a real legend) before sailing back, it was a fantastic day and cost about €23, the boat departing from St Paul's bay at around 11am, returning around 6pm.

On another day we travelled to the south of the island to visit the fishing village of Marsaxlokk. To be honest there isn't that much there, though I hear on Sundays it has a good market. Its worth a visit to see the many boats in the harbour, have some food and maybe get a gift, I got a great fitting hat from a market stall so felt content with it all. You'd be hard pushed to spend more than a couple of hours there really. The area of Paolo south of Valletta that you pass through though seemed especially nice with some really interesting lamps adorning picture postcard streets festooned with celebration garlands. I really wanted to get off the Bus to explore.

This brings me to Maltese buses that have been replaced with new modern 'bendy' style buses now run by the Arriva company. An all day travel ticket in Malta is very cheap, I can't recall the exact price, around €2.70 I think, give or take a little which is very reasonable. That said, Malta can get very congested traffic wise (the Maltese love their cars) and buses don't always run on times though they try to. Don't ever tarry near the exit doors when getting off buses as the drivers don't wait for long at all before rapidly moving on. So, buses are a very hit and miss affair, cheap but a journey could be short if the traffic is favourable or painstakingly long otherwise. Taxi's are quite expensive so I'd avoid them if you can

One day towards the end of the holiday I was walking down a palm tree lined road when a football suddenly sprang out before me. I was slightly dazzled by the sun and when I looked down a small Maltese girl appeared in front of me chasing her ball. She stopped and regarded me with her cute face and fair hair in pig tails. "Sowwy" (Sorry) she said to me with her childlike voice and smiled. I'm not a child orientated person having never wanted to have kids but my heart melted and I reached out involuntary to pat her hair and say "It's ok, don't worry" before she sped off enjoying her fun. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age.

On my last night I sat on the balcony reflecting about my holiday and life, the sun hung heavy over the west, it's orange glow fading slowly when suddenly my phone buzzed, it was a text from my friend Dom to say he was a father, baby 'Erin' had been born. I breathed the fresh air in as the sun began to vanish below the blue horizon. Smiling to myself at my friends good news I took in the lovely view before readying myself for a few beers on behalf of their excellent news and having had a good holiday.

So Malta still remains an enigma to me really. I heard an old guy at Valletta bus station say 'Take away the churches, flaky and unfinished buildings and there's not that much here.' but that is a very narrow minded and unfair view of Malta because it really is a beautiful place. I think next time I shall try and spend more time in the cosmopolitan area of Sliema or perhaps stay nearer to Valletta. Culturally I'd love to know more about the island and even more so it's people, I still say Maltese women rank as some of the worlds most beautiful and I've travelled a fair bit. I'm not sure when I'll return to Malta but I do know this, I will return.

Much Needed

It's been a while since I've had a holiday, and this little hobbit is in dire need of an adventure. So, off I go tomorrow for a much needed week away to Malta. Yep, I am going once again, this is my third time but the simple reason is I like the place, plus dad is looking to possibly retire out there so it's a holiday and fact finding mission too.

Holidays are also great chances to think as it lifts you out of your daily life and routine, you can reflect on things easier when you are removed from them. 

So I shall be catching plenty of sunshine (I hope), taking in the culture, having a beer or two, reading, looking at lovely Maltese girls and generally relaxing. If ever a holiday was much needed it's this one. I'll see you all soon and I'm sure there will be photos and blogs to follow of my adventures.

London And The Wizards Hat

Pain seared through my ankles as I rushed headlong to the train station, I was on the verge of being late. I arrived at the barrier and fumbled for my ticket, a member of staff noticed my haste and after checking my credentials told me my train had been cancelled but I could catch the next one which was due shortly after.

The fields were soon behind me and I was soon rolling into Kings Cross station. I decided to walk down to Euston and meet my friend Jane as there was no point bothering with the tube, the sun was out and the walk wouldn't take long.

Rendez-vous complete with Jane and we checked into the hotel and quickly headed back out and to Camden, I'd ordered an item of clothing on the internet from a shop there and wanted to pick it up. During a quick incursion into the Stables market area I introduced Jane to Cyberdog and I could tell she was impressed. Shortly after the heavens opened and we sought rest and drier surroundings in the nearby Hawley Arms and then the Hobgoblin pub before heading back to the hotel and grabbing some food.

A brief sleep followed and we freshened up before heading back to Camden and an evening of catching up over drinks. We stayed in the Elephants Head for a good while on Camden high street before heading across the road to the Oxford Arms and then to Inverness street to the Good Mixer, all the pubs have a nice relaxed 'local' feel to them, we also did the Hobgoblin again, it's very much a rock pub and locals are a typical rock/alternative crowd. It was a great evening of chat and Jack Daniels whiskey in my case and after some savoury rolls of Indian origin we headed back feeling quite content to the hotel.

A word of warning here, the Travelodge at Euston isn't the most quiet of hotels, especially if you get a window room facing the station. Across from you is also a bus terminal and around the corner is a fire station, the traffic noise is pretty horrendous and our double glazed window did little to dampen it, especially as it was faulty near the top. Fortunately having been to London many a time I'd taken some ear plugs along so slept fairly well, poor Jane however wasn't so lucky and made a point of buying some earplugs from a chemist the day after.

The next day came and it was once more off to Camden to carry on with our shopping quest and it yielded much in the way of new clothes and new shops we'd not discovered before. On using a cash point at nearby supermarket we were approached by a man begging. Having worked with alcoholics before I could see he was in need of a drink, his face told me so but I decided to refuse his request, and his story of losing his keys was far from convincing. On getting some money I found some loose change and relented, I decided to give him it and received no thanks at all, he almost snatched it and moved on to someone else. It would be really refreshing if they just told you the fact 'look I am an alcoholic and I really need a drink because I am shaking so bad'.

Back to the shopping and I noticed a face I'd seen before, then it dawned on me it was a guy that had been on the Take Me Out show, he had dreadlocks and hippy clothes and I distinctively remembered him. I decided to ask him outright and it was indeed him. We chatted and I asked how much of the show was edited etc before we said our goodbyes, he struck me as a really nice guy.

The next part of the plan for the day was to head up to Brick Lane in east London, I'd heard much about it from friends and programs on Tv so decided to see what the fuss was about, added to the fact I was still after a hat for my upcoming holiday after trawling Camden for one.

After dropping our bags off at the hotel we headed to Brick Lane on the tube and the journey didn't take too long. There was an incident at Euston station where I noticed some hoodies following people closely, making out they were swiping an oyster card and getting through the barriers for free. To add to the irony they had Liverpool accents*. It was obvious they were up to no good and they bumped into me but I was alert to their actions and they noted it, I warned an oblivious Jane but they took another tunnel to a different tube, the danger had passed. It did make me think how much the CCTV operators are aware, especially in light of the coming Olympics. I've heard them berate people for using camera's on the tube before and maybe on this occasion they could have been aware of the hoodies, I guess I'll never know.

We arrived at Aldgate east tube station and headed around the corner to the fabled Brick Lane. The first thing you notice about it is the very ethnic feel it has, curry houses are in abundance as are different cultural supermarkets. There's some good clothes shops too, and this was my last chance really of finding a holiday hat. The rain came hurtling down again and we ducked into a pub called The Archers. It took some time to order drinks as the barmaid spoke almost no English, no surprise the pub was empty really. It took a little while to be understood, even for universal sounding drinks like vodka and coke.

The shower soon passed and we carried up the very long Brick Lane and I have to be honest and say it really isn't very remarkable, it feels little different from some ethnic streets in places like Bradford or Leicester. Having reached the top we turned around and headed back and stumbled upon a rather bohemian second hand clothing store. We had a good nosey around and I tried a hat on, Jane commented I looked like a wizard which made me grin. Then suddenly she noticed a hat on a higher shelf and passed it down to me, it was perfect, just what I was looking for and a bargain at £6. Feeling very happy we headed back down the lane and were tempted by an Indian delicatessen serving baked rolls, pakoras and other Indian snacks and pastries.

We headed inside after deciding roughly what to order and the guy behind the counter noticed us but decided to serve another Indian guy that had come into the shop a few seconds after us. I thought nothing of it and we waited patiently. After the first guy was served another entered and he was served and we were again ignored, we carried on waiting. When he was served an Asian woman entered and we were yet again ignored, as he started to serve her I shouted 'whoaa!' annoyed at being blatantly blanked repeatedly but he continued to ignore us. I turned to Jane as said 'Forget it' then we walked out, it was a very weird feeling indeed, one of anger but something more, I think the feeling was a direct one of clear racism towards us and it's not easy to explain but I can tell you, it didn't feel very nice.

We headed back and I really didn't feel like doing much after such a busy day. Jane rallied me making the point we were only there for a couple of days so had better make the most of it. We headed to the familiar and comfortable territory of Camden again and for last evening of socialising.

The next day soon came around and our trains in opposite directions headed back around lunched time, after packing our bags and saying our goodbyes we parted and headed home. I walked back to the new Kings Cross departures station and was very impressed with how it was laid out, noticeably less busy too. The train journey home was uneventful and and I was soon back in my sleepy town, it felt good to be home after a very busy few days away.

(*People from Liverpool are often joked about in English culture as sometimes being thieves.)

Photos from top to bottom are; Street art in Brick Lane, Brick Lane, A Tolkien sign between Euston and Kings Cross and the Harry Potter platform at the new Kings Cross departures station. As for Camden I've posted many photos of it before!

Hunger Games Left Me Starving

Last Friday I decided to check out the new 'Hunger Games' movie. I'm fortunate that I live very close to a cinema so I generally know when it's quiet and can pop along in the afternoon if I'm not busy to catch a film. I'd only seen the trailer for Hunger Games but it looked good (don't all trailers?) and added to that it looked very dystopian which I like being generally a miserable and cynical person, well so people say!

Anyway, I was in luck, the cinema was virtually empty, a couple of people trickled in before the film began so it was nice and quiet as I like it. I was aware that the film was part of a trilogy of books but generally knew little else about it, so I settled down to soak it all in with an open but expectant mind.

So the film began in some back water mining town reminiscent of 1950s mid west America. You are quickly introduced to the heroine, her family and potential love interest. Then comes the lottery for the hunger games tournament which you are briefly made aware of at the beginning of the film and if you've seen the trailer you know what is possibly going to transpire. So off the heroine goes to the big city after taking the place of her younger sister. Sat in the very ostentatious carriage of the futuristic train she gets to rub shoulders with her male counterpart contestant and largely indifferent trainer/mentor played by Woody Harrelson. They soon arrive in the big capital city, imaginatively called the same and its down to gourmet banquets and training. Capital city is populated by very baroque people with gaudy hairstyles coloured with hues of electric blue etc.

We get to meet the president of capital city briefly (Donald Sutherland), do some quick training in a futuristic armoury/gym/Dojo and then impress so called 'sponsors' who seem to have little connection with the main story, what they actually sponsor or effect it has is left to the imagination.

Then its onto the Hunter Games, a Tv show where the aim of the game is to stay alive whilst killing the other contestants. The prize if you survive? a pat on the back from the president and a ticket home back to dumps-ville, albeit surrounded by lush country side.

Onto the games, well several kids fall quickly running for rucksacks of goodies or weapons, how stupid, didn't their trainers tell them to run away first, especially the younger ones? So a few quick deaths near the beginning of which you hardly see. This film is no gore fest and our heroine manages to grab a rucksack of goodies in the opening melee chaos and run into the nearby forest.

The other contestants have either done the same or have grouped to form a band of vile college kid type bullies intent on hunting the others down including our heroine. How they bond is unexplained but then this is a film lacking any decent dialogue. We then get a few adventures of the heroine evading the others whilst befriending an expendable character. All of her encounters are manipulated by the Tv station of Capitol city which is housed in a very sterile white a la Matrix department with super sophisticated gadgetry and devices capable of creating very real illusions and monsters to manipulate the games. So, we've gone from back water mid west America to baroque semi futuristic to far out total sci-fi, this is where it all fell down for me, not to mention the very dull games with no tension building at all.

Eventually our heroine the very twee named 'Katniss Everdeen', the others have twee names too, such as Effie and Primrose as well as a selection of old Roman names meets her fellow male contestant and they half fall in love. The games are then manipulated so they can both win it and they proceed to kick ass, the twist being the games again are changed at the end so they have to kill each other, they choose not to. This throws the spanner in the works, they are both announced as joint winner and they go home.

Yep, that's basically it. It doesn't feel very dystopian, the script is almost none existent, there doesn't seem to be any real Machiavellian bad guys and I ended up not caring if the heroine lived or died. Woody Harrelson and Donald Sutherland who I like as actors are there for an easy pay packet and their characters sadly contribute very little. Maybe the books evoke more but basically this is an action cutesy movie for girls aged 15. The more I thought about it after, the more I disliked it, I was clock watching near the end, a sure sign of something very bad.

Having read ahead about the books, book two contains yet another Hunger Games where the heroine has to fight again, book three is more about revolutionary stuff, I'll definitely avoid.

If you want films of the same dystopian genre go for the still very excellent The Running Man or dig out the original French film called Le Prix Du Danger which I was fortunate to see back in France in 83'. And of course the very excellent Japanese film Battle Royale is more than worth a watch.

Hunger Games is as dull as dishwater with a script that is just as murky. There's no suspense, no character building apart from a little on the heroine and the dystopian world doesn't really work or is portrayed very well. Good dystopia leaves you musing and thinking, this dystopian world reminded me of a Butlin's holiday camp with hyper active redcoats.

In closing, Hunger Games is an awful film that really did leave me mentally starving.

It's April, I'm Gonna Be No Fool

March sinks slowly behind us as we stride into April. It's not been a bad month at all, weather wise it has probably been the best March I can recall and everyone has been lifted by it. The next two months ahead seem fairly busy. I've a short trip to London booked mid month and then my holiday to Malta in May.

On the downside because of finances I really have to pick and choose my forays out these days. Ironically its the time of year when lots of friends are having birthdays and such and I'm finding myself reluctantly saying 'no' to nights out, which bothers me but I simply can't afford to do everything.

Last week was kind of bitter-sweet. At the beginning of the week I someone revealed their true colours, it was unwelcome news but not entirely unexpected. True colours were finally revealed and after years of ignoring comments about said person I now have to acknowledge that maybe they were right and this person is self centred and hollow hearted. You live and learn I guess and I am the sort of person that generally ignores the comments of others and judges for myself regarding a persons merits, alas this person is the kind that says one thing and does another. It's hard to think you can feel so close to a person one minute and so distant the next.

Onto more positive news. On Friday I received a call telling me that my eye surgery has been approved and will take place in May. To be honest I didn't think it was going to happen as I mentioned in a previous blog because of the current state of the NHS. I was elated at the news so the week ended on a high.

March has also seen the growth of my other blog, the hobbit-humanist. I tentatively started it on another blogging platform and last month saw me posting twenty blogs to favourable feedback and responses.

Oh and lastly, April brings season two of Game of Thrones and I can't wait !

Middle Earth Mojo

As some readers and friends know I love playing Lord of the Rings Online or Lotro as it's abbreviated to by gamers in the community. Recently though I've not been playing as much, I feel like I've lost my mojo for it a little. There's been some changes within the game regarding the crowd of people I used to hang out with or 'Kinship' as they are known within the game. Within our kinship we had dwindled down to a core few players and the odd casual player popping in occasionally so we decided to merge with a larger more organised kinship. Our own leadership had largely lost interest and the remaining officers within the kinship began to lack motivation and this of course began to affect others. Added to this many had left the game to join the new Star Wars Old Republic massively multiplayer online role play game or 'mmorpg's as they are known.

So, after a meeting where we all had our say in an online group chat we merged with the new kin though my Dutch friend made me smile when he said sardonically he thought it was more an 'upgrade' than a merge. Things seem to have settled though the old kinship remains in limbo with some players remaining in it, which seems a sad situation but they did have the option to move with us. I'm not sure if we should have tried to re-structure and re-brand or the the merge was the best way to go. Either way with all the recent activity I felt I needed a break from it as I was just logging on and staring at the screen bereft of enthusiasm. I suspect a break will do me good and will only be for a short time anyway as I do have a genuine passion for the game and I'd miss the people I hang out with. Most reading this won't have a clue what I am rambling about. I'm a sad geek, I admit it!