Relationships

I've had my fair share I guess and in general most of my memories of them, on reflection are positive. For over a year now I've been single after a relationship that turned very intense and very sour, very quickly. Sadly these days I am very impassive when it comes to romance and love, it's almost like each relationship numbs you a little more, blockades the path to your heart more - in my case I am suspecting the blockade is almost complete.

It's not that I have lost the capacity to yearn and lust, or to even believe in true love, it's just it seems almost impossible to conceive at times. I've never professed to be a wizard when it comes to relationships, like anyone I have foibles, I make mistakes but when I have loved in the past it's been unreservedly. I could say I've done well as regards the ladies, even though I'm not the tallest most handsome chip off the block. The strategy I've employed has always been one of you have to be in it to win it, to cast physical doubts aside and just project forward who I really am, and be happy about it, I can't be a wall flower - I fought the wall flower battle long ago.

So, over the years relationships, dalliances and casual acquaintances have come and gone, in an odd subconscious way I oddly feel they've all given me something, yet stripped something away too, it's a hard feeling to communicate or quantify easily. In a confessional I can only say acceptance is a big issue with me, yet on rare occasions when I do find it - then I lean towards disbelief, though that's not the case with the last relationship, I felt I had acceptance then, without a doubt but the bottom line was in my heart I knew she wasn't for me at all. This was partly for her actions and in the long run a fear that she would drag me down a path in life I didn't really want to go, especially as some of my sensibilities were very different to hers.

Before the last relationship I was involved in a complex polyamory one for a few months, though I found it rewarding I felt towards the end I was getting too dragged in and ultimately it would lead to nothing, apart from probable heartbreak. I detached myself from it and in doing so remained firm friends with the person involved. In that poly set up I knew I was perhaps, because of a few factors the least important cog in the mechanism (and I don't say that in a bitter way either.)

Prior to the above and very much behind me now was a long standing love that literally broke me in two, and for a long while I might add but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say. Interspersed in all of this say three year period were brief assignations, most of them sensationalism or ego based for both parties to be fair.

So where am I going with all this? I'm not sure I even know, I need the therapy of disclosure I guess, or I wouldn't be sat here typing this whilst my stomach is telling me I need food! The bottom line is that I still believe in love, I want to live the dream and accomplish the realisation of it, dispel my doubts and conquer my fears. I just find it so ironic that after my past (a decadent one at that!) I'm still single. I could be fatalistic about it all but the pessimist in me is starting to convince me I will be single forever! The thing is, I don't mind being single, it's a life less complicated but there's this gnawing feeling at me of late that I actually do want to find 'Mrs Right' and make a concerted effort with it all, to reap its rewards and find happiness - after all isn't that what we are genetically programmed to do?