Well, so far this has been a happy little blog, me rambling on about nothing in particular. So please bear with me while I get personal and deep for a few lines, it may not be what you all want to read (well the few of you that read this blog) but it’s what I need to put down in words, if only for the therapy of disclosure.
And the memory of my Mother.
On Friday the 9th of September my mum ‘Ann’ passed away aged 57 at 10.40am.
Intensive care had called that morning and said things were not too good, and requested myself and her partner attend hospital as soon as we could, I’d rang every two hours through the night, she’d been stable but critical, I guess still retained hope, you always do. On arriving three doctors guided us into a side room and informed us of the grim news, basically there was no way back for her, for as much blood as they pumped into her, she was losing it through her intestines. As her only next of kin I had to consent to life support being turned off, not that I had any other option really as nothing more could not be done and her brain had been starved of blood, the damage was done. They explained that the machine keeping her heart going would be turned off, the ventilator would keep going and everything would slow down, it would take about ten minutes I was told as the nurse drew the curtains and pointed at the blood pressure meter that was reading fifty, that ten minutes took an eternity, watching her slip away from me as I clutched her cold hand. The meter seemed fine for five minutes then suddenly began to plummet, while her heart gently stopped, mine was being ripped from me in the worst way imaginable, and I’ve never felt so much inner pain, I’ve never felt so helpless.
I was there at the end, beside her bed, so ill she looked, her life draining away – she’d fought until the last. The end was fortunately without pain and with dignity, as her life ebbed away I knew she was at peace at long last. The meter reached ten and the nurse came in and said it was over, even though the ventilator still pumped air into her she had passed on, my dear mother had left me in this world. Words cannot explain the feeling of losing your mother, As she had witnessed my life coming into this world, I’d witnessed her passing, it all seemed surreal, like your dreaming it all.
As the nurse led me away, every emotion and memory consumed me, how frail we humans are, our mortality, and that sudden irreversible feeling of loss that drains your whole being.
A tear matched a memory - there were a lot of tears that day.
Know peace now Mum, know that I truly loved you.
Jay.
And the memory of my Mother.
On Friday the 9th of September my mum ‘Ann’ passed away aged 57 at 10.40am.
Intensive care had called that morning and said things were not too good, and requested myself and her partner attend hospital as soon as we could, I’d rang every two hours through the night, she’d been stable but critical, I guess still retained hope, you always do. On arriving three doctors guided us into a side room and informed us of the grim news, basically there was no way back for her, for as much blood as they pumped into her, she was losing it through her intestines. As her only next of kin I had to consent to life support being turned off, not that I had any other option really as nothing more could not be done and her brain had been starved of blood, the damage was done. They explained that the machine keeping her heart going would be turned off, the ventilator would keep going and everything would slow down, it would take about ten minutes I was told as the nurse drew the curtains and pointed at the blood pressure meter that was reading fifty, that ten minutes took an eternity, watching her slip away from me as I clutched her cold hand. The meter seemed fine for five minutes then suddenly began to plummet, while her heart gently stopped, mine was being ripped from me in the worst way imaginable, and I’ve never felt so much inner pain, I’ve never felt so helpless.
I was there at the end, beside her bed, so ill she looked, her life draining away – she’d fought until the last. The end was fortunately without pain and with dignity, as her life ebbed away I knew she was at peace at long last. The meter reached ten and the nurse came in and said it was over, even though the ventilator still pumped air into her she had passed on, my dear mother had left me in this world. Words cannot explain the feeling of losing your mother, As she had witnessed my life coming into this world, I’d witnessed her passing, it all seemed surreal, like your dreaming it all.
As the nurse led me away, every emotion and memory consumed me, how frail we humans are, our mortality, and that sudden irreversible feeling of loss that drains your whole being.
A tear matched a memory - there were a lot of tears that day.
Know peace now Mum, know that I truly loved you.
Jay.
x
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