In the 1994 movie The Crow, the main protagonist 'Top Dollar' says 'All the power in the world resides in the eyes'. He wasn't wrong, just recently I found out the very reality of those words.
Having had trouble with my eyes I ended up at the eye casualty at the local main hospital in Nottingham. A few days after I got to see a specialist. The news wasn't good, as I sat there he frankly told me the realities and that because having had so much eye surgery in the past they couldn't do any more. If they did they may be in danger of undoing all the surgery gone before and actually going into the eye to rectify the problem was unthinkable, in fact he refused to do it, adding 'if you gave offered me millions in cash - I'd refuse'. Part of me didn't want to hear what he was telling me, I'd read up on things, I thought it would be possible to remove the problem but no. I came out of the room feeling crushed, eyes dilated through drops the white lit corridors of the hospital seemed bright, almost dreamy, I had to wake up. Putting my sunglasses on the doctors words echoed in my mind, my problem would get worse, only if I had a detached retina could he go in and remove the vitreous gel floating around in my eye, but then the gel itself was causing problems already and could be the cause of future problems. There seemed no solution. If the gel didn't cause problems the retina would probably detach, blindness was very much a future possibility.
Vision blurred I made for the main exit, peoples voices seemed like echoes and I was consumed in thought, a stray tear escaped, my mouth quivered slightly and I bit down hard to bring myself under control. The gel in my eye swam around making my already distorted vision seem like I was underwater.
On the train home I felt empty, surely they could sort it out, medicine is so good these days right? No. Medicine can only do so much, it can't repair everything, the reality hit me like train colliding with the one I was on. The journey back seemed to take moments, I had music on my mp3 player but it was merely background noise, the exterior of the train seemed removed, it just felt like me sat on a seat traversing the local fields, alone.
I got home, stumbled through town on auto-pilot and immediately went to bed. I slept soundly, wanting the eye drops to fade in potency. I woke, lay there and suddenly tears coursed down my face.
And now, days after hearing this? I feel ok, still deflated but getting stronger daily. The mood of 'I can't do anything' has been replaced by 'I can do anything I want and why worry?'. As the legendary general Hannibal once said 'I will either find a way or make one'.
May hasn't been an easy month, I suspect harder months are to come but I'm not yet ready to yield to darkness.
