I don't often do personal blogs these days as this blog is often about what I am doing or interested in, places visited and plenty of photos.
Right now though I feel the need to disclose, if only to make myself feel a little better.
Events, feelings and a general weariness of some things seem to have crept up on me of late. I seem to have lost direction and motivation, and oddly for me a little confidence too. I just feel like I'd be more suited to being anonymous in a city or miles from anywhere on some remote Scottish island. I'm just not doing 'people' too well at the moment, which is ironic as I'm very much a people person. It seems to be a year of conflicts in some respects. Usually I can find trouble easy enough should I want, such is my impish nature at times but this year chaos and entropy seem to be finding me at every turn and it's really not suiting me.
As for friends. Well, I have some good ones though on closer enquiry my friends seem to be split into groups of sorts, I'll try and explain. Firstly there's my close friends, of which I consider two people to be close, only the reality is perhaps they aren't as close anymore. One lives the other side of the world, I rarely see him and it often feels like I am playing catch up when we meet. His world is very different to mine, he's also very much breezed through life without any problems, not that there's anything wrong with that! He's good to me when we meet up, and looks after me in the sense I am never out of pocket. Sadly though he seems very gadget obsessed at the moment, I'm sure he's half robot these days! I just feel we don't talk like we used to talk, nowadays there's always an ipod, or during this visit, the new 'ipad'. Seemingly these days he finds it hard to function without the latest techno stuff present and lit up.
Then there's my other close friend, I perhaps see him once a month, he's a good bloke but very settled in his marriage and not really one for high jinks or adventure these days. I'm not bitter at this, not at all, I just yearn sometimes for the fun we once had.
Locally I have some good friends, there's been some really good nights out recently, I'm fortunate to be in with such a good bunch of people. I'm close to perhaps two or three of them perhaps and feel I could pretty much call on any of them if I needed help etc.
The friends I left behind? Well it has been three years now since I moved here and left my old town behind. I do miss my friends a lot, but there's good contact with them still. I really should drive over there more but the truth of the matter is that though I miss my friends - I do not miss my old town! So I often procrastinate a fair bit and make excuses but I realise only I can remedy that.
Usually I can sort my own stuff out, I'm ever the analyst and very pragmatic. Sometimes though things just creep up on you unawares and you can't really fathom them. I just seem lost at the moment, at some kind of crossroads unable to decide what path to take. I've definitely reached an impasse or maybe I am just in a transitional period?
Then there's society, you'd think that looking back we were much more judgemental back then and that nowadays we are more open and accepting. I'm not so sure with today's society, especially Britain as a nation. Abroad acceptance and respect for diversity and individuality seem more prevalent. In Britain it seems looking different is frowned upon, which is probably when I go to such places such as Camden or big cities I feel I blend in more. You do notice it abroad though, and being quite travelled you notice other cultures and how they go about treating other people and despite our so called multi-cultural society here we are often eager to mock difference be it in how people dress or how they look physically. Would I want to live in a world of clones or media portrayed perfect people? Hell no! I'd want to be me every time, and for other people not to be afraid to express themselves either. The current sub culture we have here in Britain at present with people adorned in shell suits, tracksuits and baseball caps just illustrates how influenced by the media we are as a whole and scared to be creative and individual. It's group mentality out there and if you are different or challenge their group preconceptions then ridicule follows, or for some unfortunates, even worse.
Well a bit of a rant there, and hopefully I'll feel better for getting things off my chest. I'm resilient and I'll get over this low patch. I need to sit down and think what path I need to take in life in general, and one thing is for sure, I'll still keep being me.
