The Big Empty

It's just a little over three years since I moved to Newark. When I moved here I was lucky in the fact I made friends with a great bunch of people, or rather they made friends with me - a bit of both I suspect. Within that group of friends it's fair to say I forged some friendships quicker than others and big Russ was one of the later friendships to be honest, though we did have brief chats and exchange 'hello's' all the time.

I really began to gel with Russ about a year and a half ago. In fact I remember when we really clicked, we were sat in the Fox & Crown on a Friday afternoon early last summer and got chatting about retro video games. We both had an immense passion about old school gaming and would sit and debate the virtues of it most Friday tea times in the Fox. The more I sat and chatted with Russ, the more I realised we had lots in common, especially comedy and sport. The lads in the Fox would often call Russ 'Statto' because he knew his football so well. I wouldn't say Russ was the easiest person to get to know, such was his demeanor. Until you got to know him he could appear reserved about you but once you'd broke that barrier he seemed to have, you were totally accepted.

It wouldn't be right of me to harp on and try and pretend we were famous or best friends, we weren't but we did have an amazing total acceptance of one another, especially when it came to taking the piss or having a laugh. Many a time we'd have David and Goliath type verbal sparring, much to the glee and entertainment of some of our mutual friends. Russ would often point out to me that he'd ever been the same with Ryan (who is a little taller than me!).

Last January myself, Russ and Ryan drove over to see the comedian Jerry Sadowitz in Nottingham, I recall Jerry doing a vitriolic rant at the crowd 'I hate ginger people, I hate fat people, I hate skinny people ...'. As Russ and I were stood next to each other, Russ towering over me, we knew what was coming 'I hate small people, I hate tall people...'. We both looked at each other and smiled. I think because both of us were polar extremes height wise we understood each other so well.

It's at this point of the blog it's actually occurred to me why it often hurts when friends pass away, sometimes more than family. The answer is because friendships have to be worked at, cultivated and gradually built, and when someone dies - it all comes crashing down.

Russ died at home yesterday, after a brief battle with cancer, the second friend I've lost to it. I saw him just over a week ago at the hospital and I thought to myself 'he's a big strong lad, he'll shake it off'. Alas it wasn't to be.

I'm not sure how old Russ was, 37 for an educated guess, I can't help feeling he had so much of life to still experience. He leaves behind an amazing bunch of people that will miss him greatly.

As for me, I'll miss the texts that tell me what is happening at Notts County football club before I even know! I'll miss the chats about video games classics of yesteryear. I'll miss his towering presence over me.

It will be 'the big empty'.

A Nottingham Interlude #2

Can lightening strike twice? Let's be pragmatic and say no, though it probably has happened but as regards me in the female stakes, well... I'm just not that lucky. So why a second interlude in the big city? stay tuned and I'll divulge.

Last Wednesday I was over in Nottingham at the new project I am involved with, the train journey was uneventful, I could have driven there but I didn't really want to mess about parking in the city or bump heads with traffic en masse. Anyhow, it was a cold morning, I felt tired and was propped up by a couple of pain killers whilst listening to some Infected Mushroom on the ipod. Arriving at the new project I was received warmly by the guys there and the day passed expeditiously, new experiences, new people, fast thinking and a lot of standing up. I didn't doubt I'd enjoy the day, though the niggling physical tiredness seemed to linger in the background like some revenant shadow.

At 3pm I was heading home, though I had half an hour to spare before the departing train, so it was a steady and fatigued saunter in the direction of the station.

REWIND...

Before Christmas I'd had problems with my right eye, no point going into boring details here but at the time I decided to get it checked out at the emergency eye clinic at Queens Medical Centre. As I see a consultant there, he always advised me not to hesitate if I did have eye problems to get them looked over. Casting my mind back it was a bleak October morning when I attended, in fact I'd been before the previous year to get something checked out. Behind the desk both times was a little cutie of a nurse, my height in fact, hair pulled back neatly into a ponytail and spectacles adorning her pretty face. It might be worth mentioning that in the past I've had girlfriends the same height, only a couple as I recall, though there have been plenty of equal sized encounters in China and Thailand *ahem* but we don't need to go there right now! The fact is I've had girlfriends of all shapes and sizes, the tallest being 5'11. I don't really have a size preference but I also can't help liking girls around my height, so the nurse behind the helpdesk of course caught my attention. She was very attentive, there was some minor flirting and when I went for a coffee in the nearby hospital cafe I couldn't help thinking 'what if?'

But in scenario's like this you can't go chatting nurses up on duty, well you can but you just know they are going to remain professional, and rightly so! Anyway, she seemed to move me up the queue, I was examined by the doctor and diagnosed with some minor eye inflammation. As I headed back into the city I couldn't help thinking wistfully about her, hoping I'd bump into her again one day under better circumstances.

FAST FORWARD...

So there I am trudging back to the station, I look up and suddenly there's the cutie nurse, hurtling at break neck speed towards me (us small folk can't half move at times!). There was really no time for me to react, I guess I could have asked her some inane question about the hospital or the eye casualty but I was really too tired to give chase or try and interrupt her. I turned and watched her vanish into the assemblage of shoppers, thinking to myself she'd be 'perfect'. Ok, she's no super model or delicious dame but I don't care for 'showmance' and what people many think, I care about the person inside. I guess two hobbit's walking hand in hand would get heads turning, people would mock and snigger, let them because I care not, I love unreservedly be it a curvy amazon or a cute pixie.

So, nothing happened. I came home feeling content with the day, and another Nottingham encounter. Before, dear reader you lean back in your chair and think 'How many women does he actually like in the city?' I can answer only the two I've blogged about, though I'm pretty sure millions of singletons and people in relationships have similar such encounters or thoughts everyday - we are only human after all.

20,000 !!!

I've just noticed the webcounter on here and it's clocked 20,007. I think the blog has been going over 5 years, 6 years in September, so the journal has been getting around 4,000 hits a year on average. Not a massive amount really considering the big picture out there but I feel content knowing a few people swing by to read my ramblings and perspectives.

Thank you all for reading and commenting!

You Can't Beat The Book

E-Readers, E-Books and digital books seem to be the nouveau gadget on the shelves at the moment. My friend Gary bought one when he was over from Hong Kong at Christmas. The question that hung in my mind was; are these new digital slabs that can contain hundreds of books going to replace real books, just like digital cameras largely (but not completely) replaced film based cameras for the consumer?

Personally I don't think you can beat a good old fashioned book, the smell, the well worn covers of it being read many times and the aged brown tinged worn pages. A book has so much character and nothing looks better than a myriad of book spines on a shelf. Imagine a world where there were no books, just an E-reader sat alone on a shelf - How sterile that would be?

As I gather, much of the wood used for books, newspapers and such like comes from sustainable forestry these days or is at least moving that way.

Don't get me wrong, I love my gadgets but at the end of the day but you can only read one book at a time, or if you are studying you are only going to take the relevant books with you to college or Uni.

I have several reservations about e-readers. You could spend ages putting a book collection on one, only to drop it or have an accident with it and lose the lot, you drop a book and all you need to do is simply pick it up again - unbroken. Society is ever leaning towards recycling and being more minimal but I seriously don't think e-readers will catch on, unattractive coloured slabs that strain your eyes and when the battery runs out, you have to stop reading!

They might find a niche market but for me, I love to fawn over a book, paw gently at the pages, delight in illustrations, photos and maps. Books are special, you come into contact with them as a child and new worlds of fact and fiction open up. Then of course books become a constant throughout your life. I remember when I was about 13 or 14 reading the Lord of the Rings whilst on holiday with my family in a farm house over looking the sea near Scarborough. The farmhouse was nestled beside woodland and sat at the bottom of some rolling hills, the setting was as magical as the book and in my young imagination the environment and the book became one. I spent much of the week reading in seclusion or walking with my dad among the amazing countryside, imagining the adventures of the characters in the book.

It's funny how you treat favourite or special books with reverence, gently turning the pages and caressing the covers.

I'm not a Luddite, I love my technology but I love my books too, I'm sure much of what I have read makes me the person I am today. You can't beat the book!

Persephone

It's been a while since I have posted a bit of music on here, so sit back, crank the volume up and enjoy this track from The Cocteau Twins 'Treasure' album called 'Persephone'. I've recently discovered the Cocteau twins and seem genuinely vexed as to how I missed them the first time around!

A Nottingham Interlude

I pull on my new rocks, well worn, heavy but comfy, not the boots, but the chunky shoes - and off I go. Striding across the bridge in town, I look down at the Trent, the water level is high and a murky brown colour, which sort of compliments the pallid grey luminousness of the sky.

The train is late, as seems to be the habit in my rural little town, I breathe in the cold morning air and cough a little as it courses through my lungs. It doesn't take much to make me want to reach in my pocket and fire up my ipod, escape a little from the miserable day surrounding me. Then I'm interrupted, a middle age man literally inches from my face looks down at me smiling.

'I could do with one of them' he exclaims, grinning at me whilst pointing to the ipod.

I nod and smile, not really wanting to encourage the conversation but to no avail, he wants to chat regardless.

'They're handy things' I reply, a polite but slightly uncomfortable smile on my face, the proximity of his face to mine making me feel a little unnerved.

'I'm homeless you know, and one of those would help when I am wondering around' he enthuses.

Again I nod, and think this is ironic as I am catching a train to Nottingham to have talks about a homeless project, but that's enough about talking shop already in this blog.

He cuts in on my brief thoughts with 'Are you rich, you look rich?'

'Nope, sadly not, I wish I was.' I reply with semi genuine jest. The guy wants a friendly face, a smile, a few words, and why not? All too often we hide behind headphones these days, however my training dictates a cut off point, and I raise my headphones and keep smiling.

'I'm gonna have a sherry' he remarks, before ambling off with his bag along the platform. Not a bad idea on a cold day, I grin as the Cocteau twins phase in on the ipod.

The train trundles in and off down the Trent valley, to Nottingham I go.

Twenty minutes later I'm there. I dodge the cold and decide to walk through the Broadmarsh shopping centre, the bus station part is very brightly lit and white, like some austere giant bathroom that just happens to contain buses. It doesn't take long before I'm distracted by the opposite sex, a small but curvy brunette catches my eye, long hair, specs, geeky and cute. We exchange slight smiles as we pass - I love Nottingham I think to myself, a city that is rumoured to have twice as many females as the male populace.

It seems quiet today, neon framed shops seem empty but like any city, there's always a vibe of sorts, you just need to extend the senses and try and tap into it.

Suddenly, she's there...

REWIND...

It's at this point of the blog I need to give you a little back story, as we step two months or so into the past. There I was near the Broadmarsh centre heading to slab square in a world of my own when I spied an elfin princess, dark hair slightly tousled and flowing in the winter breeze. She walked so lightly she seemed to float, she had the looks of some Greek goddess and a carefree smile adorned her face. She was a sort of trendy hippy chick, a little avant-garde but fashionable too. My eyes follow her every movement, I drink in her beauty, she passes and I sigh. As I walk on I turn around for one last look and think to myself I'll never see her again.

FAST FORWARD...

Today as I decide to kill some time before my meeting in Waterstones books - she appears like a mirage before me. I almost stop in my tracks in disbelief as she skips in front of me into where I am headed. Of course I do the red blooded male thing - and follow.

Up the escalators she goes, her dark flowing hair trailing down her back, I'm staring so much I almost lose my footing on the escalator. Get a grip man, I reprimand myself and reality and the world around me comes to life once again as my tunnel vision is momentarily (and reluctantly) turned off.

I really can't make this too obvious I say to myself but like I am some slave on an invisible chain of lust I can't help but pursue her. She heads into Costa Coffee, I smile, it takes a nano-second to persuade myself I am going to have coffee too! Oh the shame of it all.

Coffee bought, I sit on the next table, it is the only one free, and the gods are being kind to me I think. I read a newspaper that has been left there, I try not to stare as she opens her book and begins to read. She's slim, elf like with intelligent eyes and lips that offer a thousand untold pleasures - she is beauty beyond magnitude.

It's at the point you kind of hope fate smiles on you, and she asks you to watch her stuff whilst she goes to the ladies so you can do something cheesy like replace her bookmark with your phone number and some kind of innocent message saying 'I don't really do this, you are beautiful, I'm not a pervert etc etc and here is my phone number, please text me...'

Damn, I look at my watch, I really have to be somewhere else and no opportunities are going happen, my fantasies slip away. I'm not going to fend off the shop from armed terrorists, or do CPR and revive her from choking on her coffee, alas this hobbit isn't going to be a hero today, or probably any other day for that fact. The coffee kick and reality hit me square on in the face - it's time to go.

The meeting goes well, in yet another coffee shop. I head for my train home but not before stopping by HMV and bagging a book on Tarantino in the sale.

I collapse on the train breathing hard as I almost missed it, inwardly I am smiling - happy with my brief Nottingham interlude.

Clear Out !

It seems I have a lot of rubbish, too much in fact and it is time to have a clear out. Most of it is old paperwork, bills, clothing, college stuff, magazines, computer games and redundant games consoles. Whilst the weather is bad it will give me chance to delve into it all and get rid of things I don't need. The thing is, I am ever reluctant when it comes to some things. I fawn and reminisce over objects from the past and find it hard to let go, so it seems I have some tough decisions ahead but inevitably some things 'must' go.

Happy Birthday Nigella

I can't believe Tv cook Nigella Lawson is 50 today, she looks amazing! Definately an archetypal English rose and a stunning looking woman. *Drool*

Positive

Well it's only a few days into 2010 and I am feeling positive. I feel I've got things to look forward to and a lot of soul searching and thinking over the yule period has been good for me. Unlike the ancient Greeks such as Plato, Socrates and plenty others it occurred to me it's not very often I actually sit down and 'think'. Ok, so the ancient Greeks didn't have Pc's, video games, cinema or a myriad of other distractions like we do, but I feel it is good to actually think about things more than we actually do - it can yield some surprising answers!